January 1, 2012. I haven't been watching any TV this weekend because of real life festivities, but watching the end of 10 is one of the things that always hurts me the most. I'm gonna share something some of you may or may not know. 10 was not my first Doctor, that was 9, but he was MY Doctor. He made me love Doctor Who more than I ever thought I could. I'd been familiar w/DW for awhile, but had put off watching it mainly because I knew I would love it and I thought I didn't need to get into "another" series. Lol how right I was and how stupid not to watch sooner. DW became more important to me than any series or any fan girling I had ever done before, including my teen years. Ha ha. I never knew I could fall in love so completely with a show and/or character. It was television at it's best and what really good stories can be, a fantastic escape. Not escape from pain or tragedy obviously, because Who has tons of that, but it allows you to see the world through different eyes and relate in different ways. All I can really say is it was Brilliant! However, just as DW can throw you a curve ball, real life often does the same. Whilst watching most of the final 10 season I had real tragedy unfolding before my eyes as I watched a very dear, young and vibrant friend fight and eventually succumb to cancer. It was my first time experiencing this in someone close to my own age and I was devastated. I was angry and hurt and wanted to scream at the unfairness of it all. Of course I couldn't really do most of that in front of people so I tried to grieve privately and quietly.
To escape for a bit, I indulged my love of 10 and Who. I put off the final episodes for as long as I could and finally when I could no longer wait I watched. I think I cried almost from the beginning. The meeting w/10 and Wilf broke my heart and throughout the episode I felt more and more chunks break off like splintering shards of glass. Except my heart wasn't cold and unfeeling like glass, it was hot, hurting and felt everything magnified! When I came to the realization that 10 was effectively going to be killed by radiation I was sobbing! My husband burst into the room to see what was wrong with me and I just looked at him and said, "Its like when Spock died."
***Side note: I have one brother 11 years older and I grew up loving Star Trek mostly due to him. It's something we liked together and our little thing. Up until DW I would have said it was my favorite Sci-fi show. Whilst I still consider myself a Trek fan, I have become a far bigger Whovian and proudly so. =) Never the less ST still holds a special place in my heart.***
I apologize for the segue, but I felt you should know why I commented the way I did and what I meant by it. As a child Spock dying was huge to me. As an adult 10 dying eclipsed that entirely. However, to watch my hero go in relatively the same way as one of my childhood Favs was practically unbearable. Plus somewhere in the back of my mind was the still very recent memory of saying goodbye to my friend for the final time. I wasn't ready to say another goodbye even if it was only a character.
Losing 10 felt as if I was losing someone I loved all over again. I truly felt like when my friend died. I don't mean this in any cheap sense. I realize DW is fiction, but 10 touched my heart so much that losing him hurt in a way I didn't know was possible to hurt. I think it's largely in part to David's great acting and RTD's brilliant writing, but truthfully as an actor myself I'm a big softy and I probably should acknowledge that fact as well. (If you are an actor reading this, I'm sure you understand what I mean.)
As I sat on my bed rocking myself whilst sobbing and shaking my head no, my husband (poor guy) sat down next to me and held me in his arms. I could tell he felt bad for me and was really upset that I was SO upset. Just when I thought I couldn't cry anymore I watched as 10 made his final goodbyes. That was just heart wrenching! Tears streamed down my face. The music was what really did it though (Damn you Murray Gold and your epic music!) and even though I know The Doctor "continues" on and the show was going forward, I realized it was an end of an era. My Doctor was gone and I was broken hearted. It felt like growing up,because to me that is what death feels like. It feels like growing up and growing older.
I also realised that 10's death was a lot like life. It's not fair. Try as you might, you can't hold onto everything or everyone forever. Life and moments are fleeting and endings are always sad. Goodbyes suck! Things move forward regardless if you want them to or not. People and loved ones are sometimes torn away in the blink of an eye and all we can do is hold onto each other as best as we can and treat one another as best as we can, so we can survive the really difficult times and continue the journey.
I've never been one who could say where I saw myself in 5 years or even the next year. Things move too fast and events are too unpredictable. I just try to live as much in the moment as I possibly can and I try to be the best person I can be. Life really is a journey and the companions we choose are what make it a great adventure. 10 and DW has taught me that and more. I'm ever so grateful to have made new friends along the way due to my love of DW and especially DT, my life is richer for it. Although, I miss my dear friend Melanie everyday, I try to use her memory to propel me forward and live the life she'd want me to have. It's her memory that helped push me into going to London this past year and meeting my greatest inspiration, Life's too short for what if's. It's her bravery, even now that pushes me to be fearless as I go forward into this new year and continue practising my craft and being me no matter what obstacles come my way. So thank you to all my friends and loved ones, both new and old for you truly help shape my life. Thank you for your kindness and support because it really does mean the world to me. I wish everyone a Happy New Year and I hope it brings good things for us all and many more dreams coming to fruition.